On Monday night, the Kentucky Wildcats won the NCAA basketball tournament, nailing a conclusion that 99 percent of America—at least the part that doesn’t live in Lawrence, Kansas—had already penciled in as foregone. On Tuesday night, The Tester Season Three nailed a conclusion that 99 percent of the show’s viewers—including the part that does live in Lawrence, Kansas—had pegged as foregone around episode 5. We’ll try to dodge too many imminent spoilers as we plow through some final observations:

That Starhawk commercial was totally unnecessary: And convoluted. And a poor representation of what should be a fascinating game. We learned more about Starhawk in the five minutes we watched the three finalists actually play it than we did in the slickly produced spot. Which one cost more to produce?

Trick Questions Rule. And They’re Not Just for SATs: Way back in sixth grade, I had an elementary school teacher who played an especially diabolical prank on her class in the interest of teaching a lesson about reading carefully and following directions. She handed out a sheet of paper that had 30 lines of instructions, the first of which said, “Read everything before doing anything.” Those who followed that advice correctly scanned down to the very last line, which said, “Ignore lines 2-29, and sign your paper. You’re done.” The rest of the class—about 20 of the 25 kids—blithely blundered through the entire list, responding to instructions to do things like sing and shout your name aloud, turn your desk backwards and break all your pencils in two.

Part three of the final challenge makes it obvious that AkilleezMight, Krysti Pryde and RealityPalez never had Mrs. Raphael.

Are There Traffic Cops on the Tester Payroll? It’s one of those nagging instances where disbelief refuses to suspend itself, kinda the same way Newt Gingrich refuses to face the fact that it’s been over for months now: How does the show manage to magically transport each contestant from the final field challenge back to the room where the final videogame throwdown occurs in exactly the same amount of time? Because if even one of those cars gets held up by a red light or heavy LA traffic, the competition’s unfair.

Three’s Apparently Still Company: The symmetry of this season finale seems more than a little too tidy. Akilleez builds a lead—and blows it. Realty builds a lead—and blows it. Krysti builds a lead—and…you can see where this is heading. Wouldn’t it be interesting—and by default more realistic—if once in a while the finale were, like the Super Bowl used to be, a blowout? Say, if one of these years, a contestant who got stuck on an early part of the challenge walked into the final room to find the game over and the trophy already presented? Tell us that’s not an entertaining post-production interview.

Production Associate is to Quality Assurance as Administrative Assistant is to Secretary: It’ll be at least a year before we learn whether this season’s prize—a year-long gig as a production associate—is actually more of a meaningful gig than simple quality assurance. The show’s producers went out of their way to use the new quality-speak job title as if it were somehow several steps removed from the name of the show that’s actually offering it. Of course, Sony also once told us the PlayStation Network was completely secure and that the PlayStation 3 would totally dominate the current console generation, so forgive us just the teeniest bit of skepticism. Hope for Wilson Santiago’s sake it proves true.

Three seasons, no gender equity: In three straight seasons, a woman has made the Tester final three. And in three straight seasons, a player with a Y chromosome has walked off with the prize stash and the job. Yes, there are more male gamers and male game studio employees, but we’ve now reached the point where if a woman wins season four–assuming there is a season four–it’s going to feel like a scripted correction.

In other words, it’ll fit right in.

Image credit: Tester-Season 3-Episode 9 – Season Finale

Some people click and download episodes of Sony’s The Tester to watch a bunch of gamers who may or may not be anything like them (in the case of Ninjanomyx, we’re very much hoping for the latter) compete in challenges both pixelated and physical. Others groove on the interaction between the contestants, the social stuff that erupts when you cram a bunch of gamers into a tricked out compound and see what kind of mayhem results.

This season has been decidedly lacking in the latter category, in part because the show got smacked by Hurricane Suzkaiden, a Level-5 interpersonal phenomenon that claimed the badges of at least three contestants and put several others at extreme risk before fizzling out on a teeny tower of wooden blocks two weeks ago. That makes this week’s episode like FEMA descending on the aftermath of the destruction of New Orleans (heckuva job, Meredith). Stringing together outtakes and unused footage from the previous seven weeks with some new interview segments, we’re given a new, filler-tastic look at the season. And left with the following impressions:
Ashichan, Asuukaa and BurnNibelHeim, three of this season’s first four victims, weren’t even interesting enough to bring back for a second helping. That’s the equivalent of receiving an expired box of Rice-a-Roni as your parting gift, when everyone else got signed copies of Starhawk. Feel the burn. Or in this case, don’t.

In addition to having some righteous dance moves, SkyD1ddy’s a vodka hound. Interesting to note how the editors de-emphasize the fact that the Tester Compound has a fully stocked bar, even though it’s clear the contestants are free to imbibe, even when the cameras are on. Remember Doc’s Beerios breakfast from season one?
Astoundingly, the skeezy sequence in which Ninjanomyx creeps on everything with a pulse from episode one was only the tip of an icktacular iceberg. We’re treated to nearly three minutes of him ticking, Snoop Dogg style, through his impressions of the sexual appeal of the female cast members. Including BurnNibelHeim, of whom he notes, “I don’t too much remember her name.” Not sure whether to be happy or sorry for her.

Ninjanomyx isn’t the only sexual harassment suit stalking The Tester set. Judge Adrianne Curry drops a didn’t–make-the-cut question on SkyD1ddy that’d result in a six-figure judgment if the HR types at any Fortune 500 company asked it of an actual job applicant. Dial 1-800-LAWYERS now.

Apparently, shaving or combing one’s hair wasn’t a requirement for the post-production interviews. Let’s agree for the record that it should have been. It’s not even remotely surprising to learn that Egoraptor sleeps in adult-size dinosaur onesie PJs. It is, however, somewhat remotely surprising that his castmates didn’t beat him unconscious with their PlayStation Vitas the first time he broke them out.

Hey, look: Judges can be snarky, too. Guess we can see how it was prudent to wait to air footage of their whispered middle-school asides until after the final three had been selected. Not that we mean that in a disrespectful way or anything.

Only one of the also-ran vignette/interview sequences sheds new light on a cast-off contestant’s personality. That’d be Kwajamonster, who’s revealed as an insect lover and a practical joker. This actually helps explain Brent Gocke’s comment that she’s “popular in the house” as he yanked her badge a few weeks back. The vision the show’s editors originally gave us could be summed up in four words: Strident, weepy and silent farts.

It’s no less embarrassing or awkward when a male contestant (J-Tight) compares meeting a game-industry celeb to sexual intercourse than when a female contestant (Suzkaiden) did it in episode four. Dude, you have kids. You know they’re going to see this, right? Any street cred they might have scored at school from your 15 minutes of fame just went sailing out the window. Feel free to hand over your “cool dad” badge now. Like, right now.

From the Department of Reassuring: Adult gaming professionals are as susceptible to fart jokes as third graders are.

Further proof, if any were needed, that the concept of the “alliance” fits this show’s length and format like an oversized pair of Zubas. We’re finally shown the third mystery player in the RealityPalez-Suzkaiden Axis of Whatever. The fact that it qualifies as an outtake shows you just how integral it was to the season’s plot arc.

Come back next week and we’ll wrap it all up!

Image credit: Tester-Season 3-Episode 8 – Cast-Offs Return!