<\/p>\n

It\u2019s safe to say that the producers of The Tester<\/em> watch a fair amount of reality television\u2014how else to explain the sometimes devious, sometimes dopey challenges that have carried us through 20 episodes and counting? It\u2019s also safe to say that some of the contestants clearly don\u2019t, or they\u2019d know better than to mess with Suzkaiden, who is to this show what Courtney the Model is to this season\u2019s \u201cThe Bachelor\u201d\u2014a master of Machiavellian misdirection who causes every female contestant to spontaneously commit reality-TV hara-kiri. <\/p>\n

Case in point is this calculated post-production tweet from Kwajamonster<\/a>, sent a few hours before the broadcast of this week\u2019s episode: “#1 reason I hate Suzkaiden. From her YouTube channel: ‘I entered the tester through my agency in New York.’ She’s fake pic.twitter.com\/46iW3zqX”<\/p>\n

Okay, so Suz is more publicity-hungry dervish than Hopeful Sony Employee Who\u2019ll Someday Own Her Own Studio. In other news, Call of Duty: Black Ops<\/em> is popular and water is wet. Protest and backstab all you want, kids. While she may not end up winning\u2014at least not in the Charlie Sheen sense–the spunky Dominican\u2019s destined to be among the final three. Bank it. <\/p>\n

Synopsis:<\/strong> This week\u2019s challenge is pretty inspired, even if it\u2019s also a big wet kiss to Capcom\u2019s forthcoming Street Fighter X Tekken<\/em> hybrid. After dividing into teams of four, the kids have to develop characters and backstories, then choreograph kickin\u2019 fight scenes that get augmented with fiery special effects the seven-year-old in all of us would have killed for back in our playground days. While some players show unexpected creativity and dramatic depth, two unfortunates prove they won\u2019t be rocking the boards at the local community theater anytime soon. Or wearing their badges around The Tester<\/em> compound, either. <\/p>\n

Dopey reality-show trope:<\/strong> The bait-and-switch mind trick. After making the team leader position about as attractive as being the feminist outreach specialist for Chris Brown in the previous two episodes, the producers confound the cast by making it the lone path to immunity. And the lone chance to play a cool videogame for about five minutes. In a shocking ironic twist, the player who wins the advantage, in well-it-seems-true underdog fashion, is the one who ends up getting whacked. <\/p>\n

Jaw-dropping quote:<\/strong> \u201cIn this competition, the gloves are now off.\u201d\u2014Meredith Molinari, at the end of the episode. <\/p>\n

This melodramatic Captain Obvious-ism sits in a perpetual tie with the other meaningless understatement that crops up 7-10 times in each Tester<\/em> season: Some variation of, \u201cIf I don\u2019t win this challenge, I\u2019m going to be on the chopping block.\u201d Dude, if the gloves weren\u2019t off the second you stepped on the set, you\u2019re probably just window dressing. <\/p>\n

We\u2019re also gonna give a “hey, sister!” shout out to Suzkaiden, but not for her cringe-inducing orgasmic comment when she finds out the guest judge is Capcom\u2019s resident combat guy, Seth Killian. We prefer this tasty piece of wackdoodle: \u201cThis was my moment to bust this guy\u2019s ass in a magical, beautiful way.\u201d I plan to work it into my daily office conversation as much as possible. <\/p>\n

OK, not bad, actually:<\/strong> In every Tester<\/em> season, you can look at certain contestants and have a reaction along the lines of, \u201cNo. Just no.\u201d flash into your head. (Think Barmy and Matr1x from seasons one and two, respectively.) Season Three\u2019s Dr. No has been ninjanomyx, who manages to embody every terrible stereotype about gamers\u2014he\u2019s a sleazy, smack-talking potato sack who still lives in his mom\u2019s basement. While his in-episode interviews have painted him as a cross between gaming\u2019s version of Yogi Berra and a pithy nighttime DJ, his lack of anything resembling physical fitness has made him a dead weight in at least two challenges. Including this one, where he shockingly runs out of breath trying to utter the first sentences of his character monologue. By rights, he should have been gone weeks ago, and probably would have been had the show\u2019s female contingent not been so intent on catty self-destruction. <\/p>\n

This contest of creativity is his long-overdue Waterloo. Watching him try to explain his convoluted and nonsensical character backstory to the baffled judges plays out like the second coming of Dan Quayle\u2014just like Bush the senior\u2019s malaprop-riddled vice president, ninjanomyx can\u2019t fathom that a string of mix-mastered catchphrases does not a coherent argument make. I don\u2019t think Quayle ever had the misplaced mojo to say, \u201cIt makes me want to pwn ass, because I know how to fight. Period.\u201d Perhaps if he had, Bill Clinton would never have been our president. <\/p>\n

Leader in the Clubhouse:<\/strong> Skyd1ddy and akilleezmight absolutely ace this episode, distinguishing themselves for the first time as creative forces\u2014a skill that, even if it\u2019s not likely to come in that handy when they\u2019re checking pre-programmed character animations for the 5,000th time, clearly impresses the judges. <\/p>\n

On the Precipice:<\/strong> It\u2019s still krystipryde. For the second week in a row, she turns in a capable but average performance that avoids the judges\u2019 crosshairs only because other contestants self-combusted. Counting on that to keep happening as the numbers dwindle makes as much sense as counting on Project X to make the Academy\u2019s best-picture list next year. Girlfriend needs to step it up and shine. RealityPalez, meanwhile, suffers his first team defeat. And next week\u2019s challenge is\u2014you guessed it–physical-based. Can\u2019t see the Blades of Chaos falling on his neck just yet, but it might be time for a Kratos-sized dose of judges\u2019 ire. <\/p>\n

Next week:<\/strong> It wouldn\u2019t be The Tester<\/em> if the blindfolds didn\u2019t come out at some point. This time, the sight-deprived contestants have to comb the beach for God of War<\/em>-themed objects, then match them up with their teammates. No word yet as to whether Poseidon\u2019s eyeballs and Mercury\u2019s amputated legs made the cut. Please? <\/p>\n